There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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