she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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