Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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