Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
