i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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