Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
