I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
