My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
