I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
