Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
