Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
