he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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