these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
