I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize