mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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