I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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