Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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