im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
