Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
