Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
