I showed him my bush... on skype.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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