it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
