just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
