She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I could make wine with my vomit
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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