I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
