i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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