The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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