just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
