the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
not ubering you a puppy
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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