Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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