I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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