I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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