my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize