what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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