My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
