I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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