I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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