1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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