Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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