He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
