dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you would pick up someone in the library
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
