did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
