I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
