so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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