If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
