When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
