the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
