got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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