Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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