Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
