I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
