i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
