I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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