Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
