Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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