I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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