she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
