she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize