she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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