Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
