I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
