is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
