At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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