Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
