We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
