I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
