Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
