I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
