1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
