My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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