this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
