Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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